Portals of Change- Death, Divorce and Disease

I hate change. I eat the same thing every day. I genuinely love structure, order and discipline. I’m a Capricorn sun sign ruled by Saturn, the cosmic task master. Give me an all you can eat buffet and I will have a meltdown. I sound like a ton of fun, don’t I? If you knew me back in my drinking days you might vouch for my partaking in more than my share of hedonism, but at my core, I do authentically thrive on consistency. And I’m grateful for spiritual practices that help me show up to climb the mountains I need to climb.

What I am learning is to have the emotional flexibility to embrace change. In the past seven years, I have had quite an impressive string of life altering events- divorce, death of a child, selling my marital home and moving, choosing sobriety. The minute my inner child questions why everything in my life has changed, I hear the head of my spiritual guidance team say, “well, maybe everything in your life NEEDED to change.”

Recently I have been collaborating with my dear friend and fellow practitioner on The Lori Project, Amy Rush. Amy is a death doula and psychic medium. As we compared life experiences that brought us to our work in intuitive healing, I began to visualize divorce, death, and disease as “portals of change”. I had used this image in my book- this idea that we walk through a door and we know we can’t return back. Some part of us is on schedule to transform, to awaken, to align with a life purpose. The more we resist, the more we suffer. I think we can all relate to the idea that you can’t go back to high school. The chapter is complete and there is nothing life affirming and nourishing remaining in that old place.

 So, what keeps us clinging to the impermanent and fearing change? As I see it, our old identities and our old stories.

 We all have identities that we form around what we do and who we think we are. These identities unconsciously define our place in the order of things and we can develop a sense of worthiness around them. I see this with my intuitive life coaching clients who are military. When they retire, there is a huge sense of loss around their identity. The same was true for me as a parent. The daily care of my children has given me meaning and purpose. Now that my role as a parent is shifting, I feel irrelevant and that sucks! When we go through a portal, there is an identity that has to adapt or deactivate and that can be painful. That type of pain releases as we grieve. But if we can’t create a new identity or if we struggle to accommodate a shift, that tells me there is an old pattern that needs to be deactivated and released. My special skill as an intuitive healer is the ability to help my clients release old patterns that keep us stuck in beliefs and behaviors that do longer serve.

When faced with the unknown and uncertainty, ask what is the identity I need to release or adapt in order respond to this change. When I stopped drinking, I released my identity as a drinker and embraced the identity of a non-drinker. That identity correlates to new behaviors, relationships, and places that further strengthen and stabilize the change.

 Portals of change ask us to assess our stories. Do the stories we tell ourselves empower or keep us stuck? Victim or survivor? Sinner or person worthy of redemption? When I was divorcing, one thing that I felt sad about was that I was losing the person who knew all my stories. My sister in law pointed out the beauty in this. It was time for new stories and to be someone I had kept hidden for a long time- my authentic self.

Consider, what is your story about change itself? My story has been that I hate it- I hate it. Period. I heard an 86 year old man with 50 plus years of sobriety say that his recovery depends on changing every single day. This vibrant, joyful, man said, every day he learns something new, practices a new way of being and allows change to support his spiritual growth. “Today”, he said, “I absolutely love change.” This man changed his story around change as something to fear to something that he requires in order to stay healthy. I thought that was one of the most empowering perspectives I had ever heard and it helped shift my story that change is scary to change is a vital necessity that I require for my spiritual growth.

The other story we have about change is that it’s the end, there is nothing after it. I clung to being the mother of underage children who need me to feed them and shelter them because my mind can not conceive of what’s next. I’ve heard they still come home and they need you from time to time but facing the empty nest feels like, that’s it, it’s over. In a similar way, when a loved one dies, in the emptiness of the space they leave behind, we think that’s it, that’s all there is. Of course we need to mourn, to grieve and let go. And after that, can we get curious about what’s next? Can we ask, “what is the opportunity to learn, to be of service, to hope for something new now that I have walked through this portal?”

 As I think about changes coming my way in the next few months with children graduating high school and moving to a new town, I am embracing the mantra, “I trust in the flow of life to carry and support me. God’s love and protection are lighting my path”. I’m anchoring myself in prayers of surrender and walking through the next portal.

Opening Your Heart to Love After Loss

What does letting go have to teach us about loving well and attracting the love we desire in our romantic partnerships?

Last week I had the enormous pleasure of speaking to a group of women at a signing event for my book Does This Divorce Make Me Look Fat? I felt joy in sharing insights since publishing the book, like a bit of a post script. I certainly wasn’t promoting some Hallmark version of a happy ending. Since the book published, my beautiful daughter Campbell died. But I was able to share what grief has taught me and how in some very strange way, grief became the experience I needed to fully open my heart to love. For anyone out there who wonders in their sadness if they will be able to open their hearts again, I’m making a case for love.

I honor that it isn’t everybody’s path to be in committed partnership. One of my favorite teachers Carolyn Myss happily and authentically embraces her nun archetype and says she was relieved to decline a marriage proposal. For other folks, when a long-time partner passes, they still find fulfillment in that love and need nothing further. Regardless of relationship status, all love (romantic or platonic) begins with unconditional self-love and respecting one’s own choices.

A common thought that arises in grief is, “will I love again?”. Even in the heartbreak of a beloved pet passing, we think, “will there ever be another…?” In breakup or death, loss creates a void and the space we feel is palpable. I found Alexis Smart’s flower remedy Whole Hearted to be wonderfully supportive after losing my child.

 I don’t believe we only get one person, one chance, one forever friend pet. The idea that there is just one soulmate or one great love hasn’t been true from my observations in intuitive readings or in my own life. I believe that God wants us to love and be in partnership (if that’s what our hearts desire). I’ve seen love amplify who we are and create more joy on the planet. Why would God put limits on that potential??

From my own experience with grief, and from what I have gathered from intuitive life coaching sessions, here are some of the ways that I have found grief opens our hearts to love.

Loss puts us in receiving mode. If you are reading this, you are probably a born helper, caregiver type who authentically enjoys nurturing others. This can become a liability when we constantly focus on meeting other people’s needs rather our own or codependently micromanage others. In grief, we often stop resisting the help from others. With so little energy left to give, we become more self-interested and open to receive instead. For people who get stuck in the over functioning caregiver/ rescuer pattern and unconsciously attract needy people, grief can actually change these magnetics. Feeling raw and exhausted, we get real. The tolerance for clingers and any low- level BS we usually let slide suddenly becomes intolerable. We finally set boundaries. We have new clarity to let go of relationships and substances that aren’t serving us. We stand in our worthiness. Giving to others can be a noble cause, but when you are stuck in a constant state of giving, helping, managing and teaching others, your magnetics will attract people who can never give what you truly desire in return.

Loss makes us teachable. When everything is going the way we want, life is smooth, we invest a lot of energy just to keep the status quo. When we’re uncomfortable, we get really motivated to move away from what’s not working in our lives. It is a huge opportunity for personal growth as we are stretched to seek new solutions, to make meaning of our pain. Every loss, no matter how minor, is an opportunity to feel old wounds that resurface to be acknowledged, felt and healed. The echo of all the younger versions of us asks to be reclaimed and brought into holism with our present self. When we are ready to love again, we do so from a wiser, more complete version of ourselves.

Loss helps us to be fearless. In grief, many petty dramas and worries become irrelevant. You don’t sweat the small stuff because next to death, divorce, illness, or heartbreak, it’s all small stuff. We soften our will and surrender to a greater organizing power, God. We get a lot less attached to the who, what, where, when, how our heart’s desires become manifested as we trust in life having a process. A common fear is the fear of being alone. Suddenly, grief shows us that being alone is survivable. Why not go for the big, wonderful love and face the fear of rejection and abandonment? If you lose, you know you can survive it.

 My daughter Campbell taught me to love. She taught me to show up when it was messy, imperfect and sometimes exhausting. From my experience, grief is simply the release of love. It seems to transmute into the fabric of life itself to hold our hearts. As she was dying, I prayed that the love she had taught me would expand into the world in the form of new relationships. I gratefully carry this intention to The Lori Project, a digital community where I’ll be supporting people at end of life with integrated end of life care, and supporting those in grief, through group mediation and hypnosis.

Setting Powerful Intentions for the New Year - Making Resolutions a Reality

Why set intentions rather than just resolutions…..

January 1st is my favorite day of the year. Not only does it mark a new year of life for me (it’s my birthday) but the fresh calendar year feels like a clean slate, an empty journal to fill with new adventures and memories. In the middle of the cold and dreary winter, it holds promise for new seeds to be planted.

True to my Capricorn nature, I love a strategy and a plan. Give me a straight line toward achieving a goal and I’ll get down to business. What life has been teaching me in the past few years, however, is that all that masculine “doing” energy can leave me feeling depleted if I don’t bring in a BIG dose of feminine “being” energy. I think of masculine energy as structure, discipline, steadiness and feminine energy as flow, feeling, freedom.

Life is not as linear as I once perceived and we tend to go around and around in thought loops, and behavior loops despite our efforts. If you’ve ever found that you are worried or angry about the same things or in challenging relationships over and over again then you know what I mean. This joke so accurately illustrates the dilemma… A pilot gets in an airplane and starts flying. Hours into flight, he is informed that he is going in the wrong direction. “Yes,” he says, “but I’m making good time.” We are called to take stock… is this thought or behavior onward leading? Or am I circling around at maximum velocity? When our efforts are so focused on the outcome, we may get to the destination (we get the thing we really thought we wanted) only to find that it doesn’t bring the joy and happiness we were seeking.

My special talent as an intuitive life coach is the ability to recognize and release the patterns that keep us stuck in painful beliefs and behaviors. Often, that involves finding the right balance of masculine and feminine energy and learning to dance between the two. It’s also work that I do on myself as part of a daily inventory before my morning meditation. This work highlights what’s not serving me, where I might feel stuck and what I need to let go of. Without judgement, just an open and willing curiosity, I invite the Divine to co-create with me. That often looks like a prayer for guidance, surrender or HELP!

When it comes to the new year, I’ve found starting with goals and acknowledging your heart’s desires is a great foundation. Holding that loosely in mind, I recommend journaling on your wins from the past year. This creates powerful momentum to keep expanding. Also list what from the past year you are excited to leave behind for good. This brings in the element of conscious, healthy destruction… it’s feminine energy. The feminine is all about change, flow, letting things fall away so new things can be born (think of the wisdom in a women’s monthly cycle). You can write down what you are releasing on a piece of paper and burn it responsibly if you like. My brain likes to cling and fears change so to consciously embrace the unknown feels surprisingly liberating and powerful. It brings in the feminine balance to goals (the masculine).

 Next, come up with your top three intentions for 2024. These intentions are words to describe how you want to feel and what kind of experience you want to have. I think of it as the energy you are calling in for a relationship, a job, for your health. You’ll be delighted how those words spread to other areas of your life.

For example, for me, my THREE words for 2023 were peace, joy, and connection. I found that my relationships, my work, my health started to all vibrate with these intentions. What showed up was infused with these intentions and more wonderful than the straightforward goals I set. It also gave me a standard to measure the quality of my experiences. I knew it was time to let go of anything (people, substances, situations) that wasn’t consistent with my three words.

I highly recommend the daily inspirational reader The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo- poet, spiritual writer, philosopher, healing arts teacher. I’m making it my go-to morning ritual before meditation for vibrating and expanding my intentions in 2024.

I do love goals and resolutions (I’m an intuitive health coach after all.) Structure, order, and discipline are healthy masculine energy. As you hold that loosely and call in your three intentions about how you want to feel and what you want to experience, you are adding the feminine. This amplifies and expands resolutions and goals so they organize in a way that truly fulfills you. Experience is more important than form. If you get the exact thing you want but don’t leave room for the Divine to co-create with you, bringing you what is most aligned, it may not bring lasting contentment. I watched an intuitive life coaching client manifest a marriage to a man she was determined to be with. She got a ring, the wedding, and all the stuff only to realize that the relationship was completely incompatible with how she wanted to feel. We have all done it! I manifested a house that I thought would be so great for my family (it was big, it had a pine forest around it, it had all the right features) and it brought us nothing but unhappiness. And guess what? This was in my soul contract, as it was in my client’s soul contract, to have that experience for growth and evolution. There are no mistakes but it serves an important reminder. Feelings are more important than form! If manifestation is about getting what you want, than co-creation is about getting what God wants for your life… many times that surpasses your wildest dreams! 

Intuitive Eating During The Holiday Season

How can we keep self-care on track so we don’t end up puffy, exhausted and hating how we feel on January 1?

There is actually a slight misconception around holiday weight gain… Research suggests that the average person gains 1.6 lbs between October and January. It might not sound like much. The problem is that the average person keeps that weight on, allowing it to become the new normal. Ten years of holidays go by and the body you have at 50 is very different than the one you had at 40. UGH… And all because of a bucket of that weird stale cheese popcorn someone gifted you that you didn’t want to eat anyway.

What I find from an intuitive health coach perspective to be more concerning is the internal battle we fight with ourselves over our weight, shape and size. Feeling puffy, out of sorts and like we are in a body that’s not cooperating is self-disconnecting – leaving us both physically and mentally heavy. And those shame tactics such as forcing, negotiating, and restricting actually end up backfiring by inadvertently attracting the very thing we are trying so hard to push away.

Instead of going around and around the cycle of overindulging, feeling terrible, restricting, only to repeat, here are a few things to try instead:

#1 It’s a technique I call “Top 3.” 

“Top 3” is about choosing 3 self-care non-negotiables during your holiday vacation and travels. 
Why only 3? It sets clear, realistic goals that focus your energy on YOU.  

For example, this holiday, my “Top 3”:

Eat gluten-free

Sleep through the night

Move my body a minimum of 45 minutes, 5 times during the week

If I meet these self-care goals, chances are good that I’m going to feel balanced and healthy. And it’s amazing how this list organizes other really healthy behaviors that set me up for success. In order to sleep through the night, I don’t eat after 8pm. If I’m honoring my gluten free plan, I’m not snacking on my kid’s holiday treats… who knows where those things have been anyway?! Cheese popcorn anyone…?

#2 Treat yourself with non-food, non-beverage indulgences.

When we eat or drink too much, a part of our brains is trying to get a need met. It just doesn’t know how to do it any other way. So, when you offer yourself another type of sweetness, you’re helping that part of your brain by tuning into your true needs and meeting them in a different way. Take a long walk, a nap or a bubble bath. Or get yourself a gift that nourishes your spirit!

 Here are my favorite gift ideas for coziness and self-connection this season.

 ·      Naadam’s ethically sourced cashmere sweaters that don’t break the bank- gorgeous, warm, classic. Naadam.co

· Wisdom of the Oracle Deck from intuitive guide and psychic medium Colette Baron-Reid- give yourself a sacred time out and explore what Spirit wants you to know.

·      My book! Does This Divorce Make Me Look Fat? Ok, a shameless plug I admit but I can’t tell you how many of my clients and even their husbands have told me how inspiring and helpful it has been for them and their relationship.

 #3 Use your words to communicate how you feel.

Those of you who have read my book or been in my workshops know that I am a big fan of tapping into our sacred feminine energy. For women especially, when we lose connection with the sacred feminine, we unconsciously create a lot of conflict in relationships. Pause a few times throughout the day and label the feeling/feelings that are present. These are some version of glad, mad, sad, scared- not thoughts (for example, NOT “I feel like…”) By letting your body communicate sensations and feelings to your awareness, you are able to process feelings rather than EATING them or DRINKING them to keep them under the surface.

 Frame all of these intuitive eating tips with so much self-love and compassion. The greatest violence we do to ourselves is when we tell ourselves we aren’t worthy, we aren’t enough. No matter what you do- you drink the bottle of wine, you eat the entire chocolate cake, you raise your voice at your kids, acknowledge what you did, how it made you feel (stated to yourself as a feeling), and then tell yourself “I forgive you, I understand you are feeling ____ and I forgive you.” Give yourself a hug the way you would a dear friend who just messed up. Take responsibility by apologizing to others if needed. “Hey, I’m sorry. I was feeling out of sorts and I shouldn’t have yelled at you.” The more easily you can forgive yourself, the easier it is to ask for forgiveness from others.

 The beauty of these intuitive eating tips is that they keep the focus on YOU. When you stay self-connected and make your needs and feelings a priority, the pound or two you gain will melt off. It creates lightness and motivation as you move towards what you want instead of punishing yourself toward a goal. This sets a beautiful foundation for the New Year!

Finding Gratitude in Challenging Times (without spiritual bypassing…)

With an entire holiday named Thanksgiving, the gratitude thing can feel like a lot of pressure at a busy time of year! If being grateful seems like a moral imperative that has you questioning if you measure up, I invite you to let yourself off the hook now. Shoving feelings beneath the surface and pasting on a fake smile when your heart isn’t in it leaves you feeling like an overstuffed Thanksgiving turkey. And those suckers have a way of exploding. The spiritual teacher Ram Dass once said, “If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” Nothing triggers our habitual reactivity like family. Who better to push our buttons than the very people who installed them?

Even when surrounded by those we love dearest, forcing gratitude in the midst of emotional turmoil fools no one and is a form of spiritual bypassing. I’m not at all suggesting that we use the holidays as an opportunity to air our grievances. But, finding support such as intuitive life coaching or reiki healing can keep us from using food and booze as a coping strategy.

Here are a few suggestions that have been helpful for me.

#1- Give yourself permission to feel and process your feelings before you visit with friends and family. Set aside time to sit and reflect, meditate or journal, talk to someone you trust to acknowledge the emotions that are present.

#2- Create a healthy boundary ahead of time. Get realistic about how much time you’ll spend at a gathering, who you’ll invite, and how much energy you really have. Remember you are responsible for creating the experience you want to be having.

#3- Let go of controlling outcomes! Be honest… are you secretly hoping that mom acknowledges your beauty, a jealous sibling thanks you for being the greatest sister ever, and dad congratulates you on your brilliance? It’s SO natural to bring our unconscious agendas to our gatherings. Maybe this year it ALL will be different?? Let go of steering, managing and controlling and shift to APPRECIATION!

Find one small thing to appreciate in the moment….  An aunt who gives you a knowing look of support, the taste of a treasured family recipe, that your children are safe and happy. Our best game face usually fools no one so I’ll make a plug for authenticity. Appreciation shifts our energy and our body language. It opens us up for connection and new possibilities.

Appreciate that everyone is having a process, everyone has their own struggles, everyone is truly doing the best they can. Breath into appreciation, feel the body let go, and see if gratitude arises without an ounce of extra effort.

From a spark of gratitude, peace, joy and connection are available. I love this quick video from Brene Brown on joy and gratitude. 

When Is The Grief Cycle Complete?

These are some of the most common questions I get as an intuitive healer. When will I feel like myself again? When will life become easier? When will I find the perfect job or my ideal mate? 

I see myself in my clients because there was a time in my own life when “WHEN” was my biggest concern. To offer some compassion, the loss of a relationship is physically painful. They call it heartbreak for a reason. And the unknown is a threat to survival and feels scary. No one wants to stay in this precarious, uncomfortable state for longer than necessary. Seeking to find some measure of control is the natural response. Like a marathon runner who knows there are exactly 26.2 miles ahead, we put one foot in front of the other. What if someone tells you, “Just start running. You’ll see the finish line at some point.” Not many willingly sign up for that race.

Years ago, I asked one of my teachers how I would know when my healing process was complete. Would life just start to get better? Would my dreams and desires start to manifest? He intuitively heard the part of me that needed a timeline- the little wounded part of me that hadn’t yet learned to be there for myself unconditionally. He responded, “You know that your dark night is over when you love yourself no matter what.” 

This was a big A-Ha moment. The dark night is not over when you get everything you want. It ends when you love yourself even when life deals you another blow. It ends when you “mess up” (you eat the whole chocolate cake, you sleep with your ex AGAIN) and you love the daylights out of yourself regardless. You don’t find fault, pity or judge yourself. You feel compassion while acknowledging you are not a victim, you are the co-creator of your experience. 

My answer to the question “when”, based on what was true for me, is… the dark night is over when YOU CONSISTENTLY MAKE CHOICES THAT ARE ALIGNED WITH YOUR WORTH. You may always carry a little piece of your heart that feels tender (this is what makes us amazing and compassionate friends and lovers) BUT you consistently make choices that are aligned with your esteem and your worthiness. This creates powerful magnetics that attract our desires to us. I love reiki. I love the esoteric arts. But there is no replacement for actual behaving your way toward what you want. No more settling for less, no more tolerating what is intolerable. You gracefully let go of what doesn’t serve with the wisdom that something amazing that you can’t quite see is on the horizon. In doing so, you become the light that ends your own dark night. 

To be inspired by a community using evidence based integrated healthcare for grief management, please check out @loriproject.

Creativity Expands Energy Healing

Remember how you used to cringe when your parents did some cringeworthy thing that parents do? It somehow feels surprising to be that parent now. As my twins enter their senior year of high school I’m fully comfortable that they don’t think I am cool, or smart, or a lot of things that I acknowledge to myself. But, it gives me a window into the worldview of an adolescent. The unconscious message they are embracing is “don’t be seen, don’t be visible, unless you’re cool”. When did they stop dancing like no one was watching? When did I for that matter?

Before my messy divorce, I’d been hiding under the mask of perfectionism for a good long while. I recently found a grade school photo of my 11 year- old self, complete with a purple lace Madonna style hairbow and double strand of pearls. I vaguely remember teaming up with a bestie to perform Material Girl at a school talent show. Granted, the pursuit of a stage career would not be aligned with my life purpose. But, I didn’t need to lock it up tighter and tighter, funneling my energies into the narrow scope of only what earned me accolades and straight A’s. As an English Lit major in college, I specialized in Shakespeare rather my heart’s desires, creative writing, because I didn’t want to mess up my GPA. I actually do love Shakespeare as an entertainer and philosopher. Still, my heart yearned to not just study a master, but to create my own messy, imperfect stories.

When that innate passion to create meets the fear of being seen as lacking, irrelevant, totally uncool, most of us shelve our inner artist. If you are paying close attention you might notice the painter, in her quiet way, wears a wardrobe of bright colors as her canvas. The writer narrates with heartfelt texts and emails. The singer belts out opera in the shower. The inner artist patiently hibernates, playing it safe.

Playing it safe is a key characteristic for the perfectionist. She creates a million distractions and procrastinations- another social event, another volunteer position at kid’s school, another glass of wine- so she doesn’t have to be seen. Bad habits become addiction. The inner artist recedes further into the background.

Then, one day, if you’re very lucky, the call to live a unique creative life is heard. Perhaps you stubble upon the right mentor or coach. Or maybe the carefully constructed world of the perfectionist comes crashing down and you realize we’ve got nothing to lose. Eckhart Tolle says that, “God will tear at the fabric of your life to let the light shine in.”

 
For me it was a combination of the two. The day after my husband announced he was leaving, a voice said “You are going to write a book. The title is Does This Divorce Make Me Look Fat. Start taking notes.” The voice (I think of it as God, Source) was a booming, direct voice that came from somewhere outside of me. It’s showtime.

It was divine design that I was tasked to write a book about overcoming my inner perfectionist at my most messy and imperfect moment. By the forces of Grace, I was already a certified health coach and life coach and yoga and meditation instructor. My intuitive healer, reiki master, and hypnosis teachers were on schedule to appear shortly. I had the right tools and the right guides through every moment, all organized by divine appointment, so I could offer that healing to others. Click here to learn more on how I support my clients.

I feel very pleased and humbled that my book was just named a top finalist for the Canadian Book Awards. I feel honored by every reader, male and female, who tells me it has saved their relationship or comforted their heart. I can see the healing that is manifested from my creative expression. What truly awes me is the power unleashed in my own life. In expressing my truth and being witnessed, I am reclaiming the younger version of myself who believed it wasn’t safe to do so.

To go learn more about how I ended self-sabotaging perfectionism and created a magical, soul-affirming plan for living, explore Does This Divorce Make Me Look Fat? In the meanwhile, dance in the kitchen, sing in the shower and take the art class you heard about. Life is short. And it’s showtime.